The Taming of the Shrew PDF

by William Shakespeare The Taming of the Shrew, abridged.

PETRUCHIO: Hey Mr Minola, I wanna marry your daughter. The fact that she comes included with an awesome dowry has nothing to do with this.

BAPTISTA: Oh, I'm sorry, I have this jackass rule that my daughter Bianca can't get married until her evil older sister does, so...

PETRUCHIO: No, I want to marry the Kate chick. My friends tell me she's a ballbusting bitch - a "shrew", if you will - and I love a challenge.

BAPTISTA: SOLD! to the rich guy with a death wish. Have fun, kids! *runs*

PETRUCHIO: 'Sup, baby?

KATE: FUCK YOU STRAIGHT TO HELL, DICKSHIT!

PETRUCHIO: Aww. Who's a cute widdle feminist? Yes you are! Yes you - OW! Jesus Christ, you bit me!

KATE: *foams at mouth*

PETRUCHIO: Damn, this might take a few days.

GREMIO: I want to marry Bianca!

HORTENSIO: No, I want to marry Bianca!

LUCENTIO: Too bad, losers! I'M going to marry Bianca, and for some reason I've decided that the best way to woo her is to disguise myself as a tutor.

HORTENSIO: YOU STOLE MY IDEA!

BIANCA: Mwahahaha! Dance, puppets, dance!

HORTENSIO AND LUCENTIO: *dance*

BAPTISTA: So, somehow everything turned out okay! Lucentio married Bianca in secret without my permission, which I'm totally okay with, and even Hortensio found a widow to be his rebound wife -

WIDOW: Hi, I'm rich and horny!

BAPTISTA: - and Gremio didn't get anyone, but he's old so we don't care, and even Petruchio was able to tame my daughter!

PETRUCHIO: Sure - if by "tame" you mean "utterly break her spirit using methods that are now being employed by guards at Guantanamo", but sure, whatever works.

BAPTISTA: So really, everyone wins.

KATE: Hi honey! I just finished ironing your shirts and then I realized it's been over five minutes since I told you how awesome you are! You're the bestest husband ever! Gee, if only women could be as great as men!

EVERYONE: Awwww.

THE END.

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